Last night I dreamt i was in a black dress suit trying to walk up stairs and I kept falling because the slairs were like slopes and I had high heels on that had thick heels. A woman came to help me and Daniele stood at the bottom and watched. Then an older man took me to the top of the stairs and into a kitchen where there was a table with a colonial style tablecloth and a chalkboard. he asked me if I had thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up and I thought in my head I am already grown up and he said “Let’s see” and started drawing vehemently on the chalk board and drew three images the first looked like a name and a word , he erased it quickly with his sleeve and the second a name and some words, and the third, the third one looked like a pentagram incomplete with one side of the star missing. At each point it had dates and information and on the point before the star uncompleted the number said 12 18 and 11 14. He said “what if you knew when you would die?” And circled 12/18, “Would it change the way you live?” Then he gave me a drink which he said was water but looked more like watered down tea. I walked out and a woman in glasses and a nice winter coat approached me and walked with me and told me that someone had stolen Eros. Then she encouraged me to drink the water and I had other clean water and I drank that and she told me I must drink the other one. I fought with her and started searching for Eros frantically and I realized that a woman who was working at the Hospital was stealing the babies and passing them out through her coat on the street, to other people. I threatened her, i told her” if I don’t find Eros I will kill you.” She acted as though she didn’t do anything and I said, “I saw you, you don’t know how many times i watched you pass the babies to other people on the street, I saw you, ..” Then I woke up. I felt scared when I woke up. It was strange.
I can’t imagine what I would do if something happened to one of them. Last night when i was holding Eros he vomited and it was the first time I saw that happen. Then half an hour later he turned blue cause he stopped breathing. I was so scared I didn’t know what to do. When it started happening I lifted him upwards, checked nothing was blocking his mouth or nose and rubbed his back, I kept saying, “You have to breathe Eros, c’mon little man, you have to breathe, take a breath.” I was mortified in that moment the nurse came and took him from me checked his airways and turned him on his belly mid air and patted his back for 20-30 seconds. She told me if there was something in his esophagus that would break it up and make sure it didn’t get sucked into his lungs. I am so scared to bring them home. After instances like this and months of hearing the monitors sound at a change in the heart and breathing it is going to be so hard to accept that those things will not happen again. They told me they do not come home until they are completely episode free.
I’m feeling pressure to get the house together, I feel stressed about bringing them home, I want their environment to be perfect. I’m scared I won’t know what to do when they get here. I know that I know but still.
Right now they are doing well and mainly still growing. They are both dressed and in cribs. Cribs are the last step before home. They have to wear their oxygen tubes again because they weren’t ready to breathe completely on their own yet. They are set at 21% oxygen which is the same as the amount we breath it’s just that the oxygen is forced through their nose all the time whether they take a breath or not. Alexandra weighs almost 4 pounds. She is 3lbs 15 ounces (1790g) and Eros weighs 3 lbs 10 ounces (1700g). They are getting there. I love staring at them. They are magical to me. They are amazing. Alexandra has swollen eyes. I asked the nurse last night and she told me preemies have very small immature blood vessels and sometimes the fluid part of the blood leaks into the surrounding tissue because the vessels are to weak to hold it all in. That will go away with time and maturity. Eros seems to be doing better after his transfusion and his hemoglobin levels are up. So now we just grow.
Here are some amazing photos of the both of them.